Orkhamma40k: In da Far Fyucha, Derez Only WAAAGH!
by damaddok
Summary: Read Orkhammer, and I loved it. And since my last 40k fic was baleeted, I figured why not try again with something better? Orks infiltrate the Imperial Guard and no one seems to notice...Hilarity ensues as the orks try to emulate Imperial Guardsmen.
1. Everyfin haz a begginin'

**Read Orkhammer. Laughed my butt off. Decided to do some myself. First couple of chapters are really just copypasta but from there I plan to expand on it. it's just too funny to pass up. Hopefully I can match up to the original writer of this comedic gold.**

Prologue

It was a barracks. A PDF barracks at that. So no one though anything strange when fungi began to grow in the corners. Over the years the 68th Galvanian had seen much action first with the Eldar raids, then the Xeno that claimed the Western hemisphere would cause trouble. And then there was a minor ork incursion. No one knew what to make of that last one, considering how small it was. And so the regular purging protocols were overlooked as the Xenos from the West began to attack once again.

No one noticed when some members of the 68th were slightly bigger...and greener. Or why the numbers of the regiment seemed to swell, even though recruitment was down this year. No one seemed to care how the new recruits seemed to mash things together with no care to the machine spirits of their war kit. Yes there was some doubt from the local Mechanicus, but after the Archmagos visited the Barracks of the 68th his doubts seemed to be put at ease. He seemed to also take on the same training regimen as he became much larger and greener himself. He was so pleased that he even ordered the rest of the Mechanicus to follow his example, going to the 68th's barracks for a brief training regimen.

No one noticed when other regiments started to show the same green soldiers of the 68th. Not the commissars, not the psykers, not even the Planetary Governor. But when the 68th started calling themselves "Da Sicstee Eiff Klan o Da Emprah" a few men of the Ecclesiarchy started to grow unsettled. That is what drew the Inquisitor to the planet. That is where this tale begins.

Chapter 1

The inquisitor was not pleased.

"Governor, I'm by no means a strict man. But the reports I have been hearing have shocked even me. If what they say is true, it will not bode well for your title."

The two men were seated on either side of the Governor's desk, drinking tea.

"Why, Sir Inquisitor, I am shocked! What could you mean by such allegations?" The governor was a heavyset man, tall and broad. If he hadn't known better, the Inquisitor would have sworn the man had Ogryn blood in him.

"Unseemly actions of your men. Possibly, the taint of Chaos. Even… that foul xenos have infiltrated your army."

The Governor stood abruptly, setting his teacup down firmly. "Are you accusing my men of heresy, sir? My men are clean of Chaos, I can swear on my life! They may not be… the most tidiest or formal of soldiers, but my Planetary Defense Force are true warriors in every sense of the word!"

The inquisitor looked at the other man, unimpressed by his posturing. "Calm down, man. If I had anything but hearsay, you would already have a laspistol to your head. I am merely here to see if there's any truth to the rumors."

"You've come at a good time, then. We're holding the bi-annual training tournament at the moment, the last training before the troops leave for Elkoss VI." The governor smiled thinly at the Inquisitor. "You can consider having it held in your honor, if you want."

The training grounds were relatively far from the palace grounds, it seemed. At least, the old guardsman took a long time to drive there in the regimental car.

"ARE YOU SURE THIS IS ONLY THE TRAINING GROUND, GUARDSMAN?!" The guardsman swerved round a crater and jammed his foot on the accelerator.

"What? Sorry, sir, I can't hear you over the Basil-" Another series of explosions rocked the ground, an almost constant krump-krump-krump.

"We're here, everyone out!" The governor had pulled on a massive power claw out from somewhere in the back of the car, and was already striding towards the concrete barracks.  
"Well, then, Inquisitor, come in and feast your eyes on some of the finest of the Imperial Guard!" Green helmets. Green armor. Green boots. Green- well, almost green everything. "Governor."

"Yes, Inquisitor?"

"What exactly am I looking at?"

"Why, the PDF being trained here, of course! What else?"

The barracks were full of soldiers, kitting themselves up and getting ready to go. In the maelstrom it looked like no-one had noticed the pair of humans at the door.

"And the green skin…?"

"Ah- we're trying an experimental procedure of permanent camouflage. I've had an idea to train all of my troops extensively in the Doctrine of Stealth-"

"And the fangs for teeth?"

"Bad dental hygiene, I'm afraid. We're not the richest of planets, and we can't afford EVERY bit of cleaning-"

"Governor," the inquisitor snapped, "These 'men' of yours are clearly orks! What the hell is going on here?"

The Governor looked bemused. "Corporal, get over here!" One of the soldiers, hesitating for a second, ran over. "Are you a human or an ork, Corporal?"

"Me, boss? I'z definnily a humie, ain't that right, boyz?" The other muttered various forms of agreement.

"Yer right!"

"Izza humie fer sure, heh!"

"Look, Inquisitor, we all know that orks are short, squat creatures. These fine humans are nothing of the sort!" It was true; the 'guardsmen' were all well muscled troops, above average height and looked menacing. The inquisitor muttered something under his breath and marched out.


	2. Da Inkweezishun iz 'ere

"**Blezzed iz da brain wot too small fer finkin'."**

2

"They're everywhere!" he said, looking out at the battlefield.

"Of course, dear inquisitor. This IS the training grounds for the guard, after all." The inquisitor looked on in near horror as two sides of the 'guard' jumped out of their trenches and charged the other, meeting in the middle with an almighty crash. Limbs flew everywhere.

"And what exactly are you training them for here, then? How to die?" A basilisk shell crashed into the fray, blowing one unfortunate individual to pieces. "And WHY ARE YOU FIRING ARTILLERY INTO YOUR OWN BASE?"

"Oh, they're practicing basilisk- rapid-fire. You've got to hand it to those boys, even though they're not the most accurate, they can get off three times as many shells as the other armies! Pretty good, eh?"

One of the soldiers, larger than the others, ran up. "Boss, we'z got the tanks reddy fer inspekshun!"

The governor nodded. "Carry on, Sergeant!"

"They're, they're orks… you can see that, can't you?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." The two of them were walking past the firing ranges, now, with the sound of las-rifles piercing the air. However, something sounded slightly… off.

"For instance, do Orks use las-rifles?" The governor nodded towards one corporal who was charging at his target, firing as he went.

"Las-rifles do NOT sound like that!"

As the corporal got closer, yelling, the sound of him shooting grew louder zakkazakkazakkaZakkaZakkaZAKKAZAKKAZAKKA! "Are you sure? We've got some excellent tech-priests."

"Right, I'm sure…"

"ROIT, BOYZ! FOLLOW ME TA GLORWAAAAAAAAUGH!" The speakers on the baneblade blared out over the field. As it rumbled forwards, the mob of infantry followed around it.

"Those really aren't standard parts for a baneblade! You're not allowed- YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TAPE SPIKES! Techpriest, how could you allow such sacrilege?"

The red-dressed, bionically clawed man span around to face the Inquisitor. "Techpriest? I am no techpriest, good sir! By the Emperor, I'll have you flogg- Ah?"

The governor chuckled. "Inquisitor, meet Commisar Kleinst."

Kleinst bowed, turning to meet the man properly. "My apologies, my lord. My eyesight was not as well as it once was." It was not just his eyes – the commissar looked more mechanical than human, with a giant robotic arm and both legs, and both eyes replaced with bionic implants.

"No harm done, commissar. Tell me- you have noticed something odd about your men, haven't you…"

The commissar looked surprised. "How did you know, sir? They're the fiercest soldiers I've had the chance to serve with. I wish I could go with them, but for these damn implants..!"

"You haven't seen anything… odd about them?"

"Well… not really. I'm afraid these bionic eyes let me see in black and white. I can't fault the techpriests, of course. They've tried their hardest, but I guess the machine spirits don't smile on me."

"Carry on, Commissar." The crippled man nodded curtly and strode off, shouting at another group of soldiers. "A good man, even if he's not as well as he used to be. Now, has that set your mind at ease yet?"

The inquisitor started shaking his head when another basilisk round exploded nearby. "And that- what- by the Emperor, how does that even-?" He ran over to the Leman Russ tank that had been hit. Its maintenance cover had been ripped open, and it was obvious that the engine was completely missing.

A hatch flipped open and one of the drivers clambered out. "Zog it, looks like itz busted.. OI, TECHPRIEST, GET YER LAZY BUTT OVER 'ERE!"

The techpriest was certainly impressive. With a metal jaw, several metal arms and a ragged red cloak, he ran across the field. "OI HEAR THE MACHINE GUBBIN- no, wot wazzat again, SPIRITZ!" He took out a handbook and looked at it carefully. "Anin-anno-anoin.. put der oilz on it while beesechin the machine's gubbinz… lessee.. OI, SPIRITZ! WAKE UP ALREADY!" He splashed some… liquid into the empty engine cavity.

"Thanks a ton, boss! WAAARR-THA-EMPERRRRAAAAAAAAUGH!" The tank roared off, leaving the inquisitor silently in its wake.

......

He remained silent even after they reached the field headquarters.

"Look, our forces are so dedicated they allow their children to help wherever they can." And it seemed true; small green-coloured folk ran around, carrying all sorts of gadgets. Listening carefully, he overheard a small voice.

"Quiet, ya gits, we'z got a good gig going on 'ere. These boyz are giving us some reel flash dakka, and we're lootin some good gubbinz, too. Now we wait for the big boss to give the signal, and then we're off, ok?"

"…Are you all right, Sir Inquisitor? Do you need the help of a psyker? Sanctioned psyker, to me!" The inquisitor spun about, alarm in his eyes.

Forward shuffled the psyker, two guards accompanying him and gently leading him forwards. "MY MOIND BEARZ A GREAT PAAIN.."

"No. No!" The inquisitor lashed out, knocking back the cowl to reveal a bandaged green face.

"OW! IZZA GOOD PAIN!" "No, no, NO!" He shoved the psyker over backwards. "IZZA GOOOOD PAIN-"

"Shut UP! Governor, follow me!"

The back room was quieter. The inquisitor was breathing hard. "Perhaps you doubt my ability, Inquisitor." The governor's voice was silken.

"You're damn right I doubt-"

"But you see, the High Lords trust me to the extent that they've given me control over a Callidus assassin." The Inquisitor didn't jump as he gently pushed the poison-tipped blade away from his throat.

"I… see. Well, I'm not one to doubt the High Lords." He looked at the assassin, mercifully in the shape of a pretty, pale-skinned young woman.

"But they wouldn't have released an assassin to you without a specific mission in mind. Tell me, why were you sent here?"

The Callidus answered him. "CAN'T SAY, BOSS. IZZA SEKRIT."

......

Back at the palace. The inquisitor and the governor were on opposite sides of the table once more. "Well, inquisitor. Have you satisfied yourself enough?"

"I have, I'm afraid. At first, I didn't believe it. Those 'men' out there, are clearly orks, and whether you're trying to hide it or you really just don't believe it, the verdict is the same. Even the most radical inquisitor couldn't accept this! Damn filthy xenos infesting the Guard? Give me a break! I have no choice but to sentence this planet to be purged, and you, personally as a heret-"

......

Sister Catha looked over at Sister Lestrine. "Have you noticed anything odd about the Inquisitor, lately?" The other sister shook her head. "No, why?" "I can't help but feel something's wrong…" They both quickly turned back to their duties as a voice roared up from Inquisitor's room. "I'Z CAN HEAR YOU, YA GITZ! GET BACK TA' WORK!"


	3. Seekrit Ajent Boy

**"Betta broken in da body den mezzed up in da brain. But ya need a body fer fightin so try not ta break dat eivva."**

With the Inquisitor's blessing, the 68th continued its training, ever vigilant in keeping Galvana safe from invaders. Though it seemed to do more damage to the city than any alien has ever done with its training exercises. Weeks passed, and the 68th numbers oddly continued to swell despite the horrendous casualties they took, until their numbers were higher than expected parameters for a PDF regiment. After some time Captain 'Somkindahumiename' rose to much prominence in the regiment, demanding the governor give them something to fight. And as such, the entire 68th became edgy, raring for a fight to sink their proverbial fangs into...and perhaps the literal ones too. Their fight came when a group of rebels decided to strike one up for independence. When the Outpost of St. Markus fell, the PDF was dispatched to reclaim it...and when word that the first two regiments failed to even breech the walls, the governor happily gave the 68th the job.

.....

"Rejoice my brethren! Today we struck another blow against the tyranny of the so called 'governor'!." Moskva shouted. He was the leader of the Anti-Imperial group Red Scar. For a while the rebels had been silent, keeping their attacks to shaking down civilians for money or raiding the odd unprotected caravan, but it was all building up to this.

"Today we have struck a blow to that hated governor dog and his Imperial masters. Today, is the first step into claiming this planet for independence!" A cheer rose from the throng. "For too long we have bowed to the whims of the death machine the Imperium! they filled the heads of our people with lies! That the 'Emperor' watches us! That the Imperium needs soldiers to battle aliens! We know the truth! We know what the Imperium truly does with our men! And I say no more! St Markus was just the first, from here we shall continue down our road of conquest all the way to the capital! There we shall topple the governor and out the imperial dogs from our fair planet, and establish our own government, one of true order, one that does not require sacrifice!"

"I gotz a kwestion boss!" came a booming voice. The audience turned as one to the source, a tall man painted inn green splotches covering all but a few strips of his brown, gravely human skin. He wore a red bandanna like everyone else, and he wore a shirt with the hastily scribbled words "Not a Ork!"with the k facing the wrong direction.

"Yes brother?" the leader said.

"Iz dere gunna be lotz a fightin in dis new guv'ment o oursz?"

"Uh no? We are trying to get rid of needless bloodshed! But I can see your point, there will obviously be many who continue to follow the Imperial Demons. Though it pains me the brainwashed may not lay down with words alone. And so force may be needed. Thank you for bring that up brother?"

"Er...wot do humiez call demselvez...uh..." the 'soldier' pondered heavily, scratching his bald head, picking his ears which were surprisingly pointed. "Creed!" he snapped his fingers "Dat name I 'ear a lot yeah!" He looked up. "I'm Creed."

......

Somewhere, in the galaxy, Creed suddenly rose from his chair, his hand grasping his forehead. "I suddenly feel dirty...and a strange urge to kill every ork I run into with my bare hands."

......

"Well Creed, thank you once again. I can see your kind, one who thinks in the long term, I can use someone like you in the future."

One of the leader's generals stared at him. "Uh Moskva sir? He's um..." he leaned forward to whisper into Moskva's ear. "...an Ork."

"Moskva leaned back and laughed. "Good joke there, but anyone can see that's just his camouflage."

"His teeth sir?'

"Or you being discriminatory?" Moskva leaned forward, his voice taking an icy tone.

"No sir I-"

"I will be very clear about this! We must put our differences aside, no more of this shunning the mutant. Who cares if they have an extra arm, or he has beady red eyes, l0ong sharp teeth, and pointed ears? We must stand together!"

"But-but. he's not even human!"

Moskva glared at the general. "I expected that narrow mindedness from an Imperial, but not you!"

"But look at him! No mutant can be that...Ork-like!"

"...Either you are a traitor, or you are trying to cope with the all the killing you have seen. in either case, I think you'll need some time alone." Moskva snapped his fingers, and two armed guards came and dragged the general off, kicking and screaming. :Look at him! He's an ork! he'll kill us all! You idiots have no idea what you're doing!"  
"Poor soul." Moskva shook his head. He turned to Creed. "A position in my cabinet has just been opened and I believe you are the man for the job. Come to my office" he called out, and Creed shrugged and followed.

"Kay boss, but 'ow am I gonna fit in da kabinet? I'd fink I'd break da fing."

Moskva laughed as he led him down the hall to the room that once served as the Commissar's office. "A humorous one to boot, you will do fine that much I know." He led his new general in and closed the door.

......

"Governor! We have received a transmission!" The administrator ran into the governor's office. The governor hastily bough his hands up from under desk and gazed at his administrator apprehensively.

"is it the 68th?" he stuttered, slightly faint.

"No...actually...it's the rebels."  
"What?"

The administrator handed the governor a data slate. He switched it on and read the letters as the slate pulled them from its memory.

'++++++++For the eyes of the Planetary Governor+++++++

+++++++++++++Additional note: Audio recognition was damaged during recording and the transcription spirit needs to be re-installed.++++++++++++++++

Dear Guv'na o da Humie Planet! I iz da boss o da Boyz wot not like ya. Well, da uvva boyz o da Sicstee Eiff dun came ovva an thumped me gud. So now I iz sayin saying (corrected) sorry and all. Sorry, we'ze we are (corrected) ain't takin no more o da humie fortz now on an' we iz gonna stop fightin ya an everyfing everything (corrected). We'll be off ta fight dem uvva Zenoz boyz on da uvva side o da planet. Bye bye.

From, Da Bad Boy Boss Not Da Boss O Da Sicstee Ow Why'd Ya Hit Me Now Look Wot Ya Did Da Fing Iz Ritin Dat Now 'Ow Do Ya Daleet Stuff Again On Dis Fing Ah Zog It.

++++++++++This device has detected:125 errors, and has corrected:3 errors. This device has forwarded execution requisition to local Commissar, error: Requisition canceled by Arch Magos: Bakwazza

++++++++++Thought for the day+++++++

Beware the alien.'

The governor smiled as he put down the data slate. "Well that's the 68th for you, getting the job done before you know it! Now uh could you please leave? I'm expecting Lady Devona we're going to have some discussion over the uh...pipelines! And ...yes, uh...pipes in general."

the administrator raised an eyebrow. "Of course sir." and he backed out of the room, closing the door behind him. Just as the door clicked shut, Lady Devona came out from under the desk coughing and hacking. "I told you to get a bigger desk, I could barely breathe down there!"

"Hush woman." the governor retorted and pushed her back down.


	4. Imma Firin Me Shoota!

**"A gud boy lissenz wivout askin stuff. A gud boss orderz wivvout finkin. Cuz you iz supposed ta let yer fiztz do da finkin'!**

"Where's those damn reinforcements?" yelled trooper Orvesk. The initial wave of the 7th, and 12th PDF were nearly decimated and the reinforcements were long overdue. And worse off, the Xenos had the very well fortified position of St. Markus, and all her defenses to hide behind. And to top it all off, the Galvana natives were using tech very unlike their own. It was much more advanced than what they have previously used, automated machines that had a sleek, yellow finish, that required no individual controlling them. And the soldiers fired down on the PDF with plasma rifles that were shaped like long rectangular snipers.

"How the kek should I know?" shouted back trooper Droskvin. He jumped to the side as a plasma shot vaporized the barrel of the heavy bolter he stood behind just a moment ago. He drew his laspistol and shot back at his attacker, his shots making blackened dots in the walls of the outpost. "We voxed in an hour ago! The 68th and 47th should be here by now!"

"Well kek them for being late!"

No sooner did he finish then a high pitched wail filled the sky. "Now what the heck is that?"

Overhead four troop transports streaked through the sky. As they neared Imperial line they...went faster. Confused troopers stared in bemusement as the transports continued on a crash course into the outpost walls, taking an ungodly amount of punishment. Just before the first transport made contact with the wall, the vox channels were filled with a deafening howl "FER DA EMPRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!", and the ships crashed into the walls.

The wall crumbled from the impact, and the ship was torn to shreds. It was not carrying troopers however! It was carrying a squadron of Leman Russ tanks...at least they looked like leman Russ tanks after you took off all the extra bones, spikes and bizarre paintjob. The tanks fell right into the middle of St. Markus, their guns firing wildly in all directions. One shot went wild and hit the ship next to it, knocking out an engine. It spun out of control and crashed into the adjacent wall, with a similar effect as its predecessor, only this time a bunch of cackling troopers were flung in all directions firing a wide array of modified lasguns that seemed to shoot bullets instead of lasers. The 68th poured out onto the remains of the walls, shouting as they went. The Xenos tried to switch their heavy weapons but the 'men' were on them, shooting them at point blank and chopping them apart with their blades.

"What the kek?",Orvesk gaped.

"Was that ever covered in basic training?"

The vox crackled as a channel opened. "Oi, is dis da button wot makes it talk? Wotz da blinky fing mean? Izzit buzted? OI? ANYUN "EAR ME OVA DERE?"

Droskvin picked up the vox. "Loud and clear. This is sergeant Droskvin of the 7th Galvanian. Who is this I'm spe-?"

"Wot?"

"Who-?"

"...Wot? I can't 'ear nuffin! Wot you mean I gotta top pressin da button? I stopped prezzin it see?"

"WHO THE KEK IS THIS?"

"OI! NOT SO LOUD YA GAVE ME A 'EART ATTACK! DIZ IZ BOSS KRAKSMASH! I mean er...kaptain er...wot kinda namez do humiez give each uvva again? Ah zog it!"

"Well Captain Azogit, what the kek are your troops doing? We need to retake St. Markus, not blow it up!" he looked up and saw a 68th trooper firing a missile launcher at a group of Xeno sniping from the Westward wall. The missile apparently was a krak missile and blew the Xenos apart, as well as a sizeable portion of the wall. "At the rate your going, there will be no outpost to retake!"

"Wot youze gobbin about? Da big boss told us ta smash dem uvva Zenoz boyz and nuffin else!"

"No he meant to smash the Xenos, not the fort!"

"Well den 'e shoulda sed dat! Ang on lemme tell me boyz."

Droskvin closed the vox and waited for Captain Azogit's signal to stand down. It never came. Instead...

"Is he coming here personally?"

"HOW SHOULD I KNOW?" Droskvin yelled over the high pitched whine of jet turbines.

"WHAT?"

"I SAID HOW SHOULD I KNOW?"

"BUT YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE VO-WHAT THE KEK IS MAKING THAT RACKET?" Droskvin turned to the Imperial line to see a column of Leman Russ tanks. At least they looked like Leman Russ tanks. But who in their sane mind designed tanks with Lightning Strike Fighter Jet engines attached to the sides?

One of the tanks in the middle had a large apparatus strapped to the front of the turret. It looked like an enormous set of vox speakers but the tanks were moving too quickly to tell. A soldier climbed out and a booming voice echoed across the battlefield, even over the piercing wail of the turbines.

"OI YA GITZ! DA GUVNA BOSS WANTZ DA BUILDIN BACK FROM DA ALYEN BOYZ SO STOP SMASHIN IT! " the thundering voice yelled out. Orvesk clamped his hands over his ears to avoid damaging his ear drums from all the noise around him. He still registered when the tanks rushed past him, bowling into the ruined wall, and crashing out the other side.

"DUZ ANY OF YA KNOW OW TA TURN DESE FINGZ OFF? AH ZOG IT DEY SHULD RUN OUTTA GAS SOON! DA REZT OF YA BOYZ GET TO FIGHTIN DA ZENOZ!"

"FER DA EMPRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" boomed the soldiers that followed the tanks on foot, firing their weapons with abandon, hitting something about 10% of the time.

Orvesk gaped at the carnage scratching his head. "Where do you suppose you get a knife like that?" he pointed to one of the 68th, swinging his gun like a bat, a meat cleaver roughly stapled to the end. It tore a Galvana trooper in two.

"I dunno, but I'm pretty sure that isn't standard kit." Droskvin replied. "And I doubt that combat method was ever covered in training." The soldier then abandoned his gun as it got too wedged into a Galvana runner, and instead grabber the nearest Xeno, and started swinging his hapless victim into the enemy like a club. "Though I can see where that might be useful..."

...

"You have been a naught witch! A very naughty witch!"

"Heresy! I've been spouting heresy!"

There was a knock and suddenly the governor shoved Lady Garbina into his closet, putting a finger over his mouth as he shut the door. He hastily threw his fur lined governor's robe on and opened the door.

"Ah governor? Who was in here with you?", the invited administrator asked.

"No one." The governor said too hastily.

"Then what was that voice I just heard?"

"What voice?"

"That effeminate voice. It sounded like a woman."

"That was me. I uh...was...rehearsing a part for a play! Yes! You know how devoted I am to the Imperial Theater."

"I see. And what were you rehearsing for again sir? I don't recall you playing for any part?"

"Uh as...Tichomedis in the thrilling epic of 'Death of the Zanta Heresy', I was simply practicing for the audition you see, I believe I could be Tichomedis' spitting image."

"I see sir." The administrator did not look ready to drop the subject though. "I don't exactly remember the Witch queen asking for a spanking though..."

"It was the director's choice, he wanted to try a new angle to spice things up.", the governor waved his hands in the air. "Enough of this banter, are you here for something administrator?"

"Yes sir. The fort of St. Markus has fallen sir."

"I thought it already fell to the xenos!"

"It did. Then it was retaken by the 68th. Then it fell apart after they left."

"Oh dear. May I read the official report?"

The administrator flicked on his data slate and handed it to the governor, who began to read the glowing text as it appeared.

+++++From the Desk of Captain:OiItzMyTurnTaUzeDaFlashyFingy of the :Sicstee Eiff++++++

Oi Guvna Boss,

Dat fort wot youze wanted us ta get waz real blown up. We didn't do nuffin to it if datz wot yer finkin dat iz! Wait, no I mean we did take da place but den it uh. It fell apart on itz own. Yeah. Datz it. It was real old. So I fink da alienz knew dat coz day just gave it too uz afta a little scrap. Wot? Dat's how dey really fight? Whatta buncha pansiez! 'Ow come u haven't killed dem gitz off yet? Datz a stoopid excuze! You really oughta-wot? Still on? I fought I dun pauzed da fing! Diz button! Oh, datz da rekaff mashine button? Oh. Uh. Can ya-ah zog it all. Boss Guvvna, dem Zenoz boyz iz runnin an we gonna chase em all da way back to dere city now! Cuz we signed up fer a gud fight-I mean ta serve da Emprah an datz wot weze gunna do!

Actin Commanda o da Sicstee Eiff,

Ah I Wuz Nevah Gud Wiff Humie Namez

++++++++++Thought for the day+++++++++

Purge the Alien, the Mutant, the Heretic

The governor handed the data slate back to the administrator. "Well the 68th indeed are turning into quite the blessing! Taking the fight to the enemy like that."

"But they destroyed St. Markus."

"Yes but it was getting old anyway."

"It was only a year old!"

"Well it is a year too old. It gives us a good excuse to rebuild it. Make it happen."

"Yes governor..." the administrator sighed, as he left the room. The governor took off his robe and threw open his closet door. "Now where were we?"

Lady Garbina chuckled "You we're chasing the nasty Witch queen about your bedside."

"Oh yes...do you think I make a good Tichomedis?" the governor asked, striking a heroic pose as best he could wearing only leather underpants.

"We'll see yet governor."


	5. Da Few,Da Proud, Da Boyz

"**Serve today cuz tommarah ya may be dead. Actully, if ya don't serve today I KNOW yu'll be dead tomarrah cuz I'll crump ya tommarah when I'm dun fightin today!"**

As expected, the Xeno were in retreat. And of course the 'guardsmen' followed them to their side of the planet. There, they encountered a staunch resistance by, unsurprisingly, the Tau. The natives had allied themselves with the Greater Good in hopes of taking back their beloved homeworld. It was here that the natives revealed how they have resisted Imperial incursions over the many years. A massive shield that only generated a minimal output but would focus instantly on any point of enemy intrusion. Which meant most of the time it was weak enough for the natives to fire through, but any Imperial retaliation would hit a solid wall. The 'guard' was unaware of this as they continued to barrage the shield with larger and larger shells. At first it seemed they would tire themselves out from banging their proverbial heads against the wall. But then came the more unconventional tactics the 68th were renowned for. They started chucking tanks at the shield. And these tanks would be laden with explosives, causing a massive explosion that would cause the shield to ripple and tear. The energy shield, while potwnt, was ancient, and was not designed for the massive vehicular attack against it. In a number of hours, the shields failed and he 68th charged in. The xeno presence was almost all but eliminated and the Tau were forced to flee from the onslaught.

The governor was informed of this great victory and nearly hurt Lady Arynth as he jumped up from his chiar, proclaiming a planetary holiday in honor of the great victory. And the 68th was invited to celebrate in the new Liberation Day. And he then proposed to submit the new battle tactic of 'firing tanks through artillery guns while the said tanks were firing' to the Administratum to potentially add this as a plausible combat tactic of all Imperial Guard. It sat on some scribe's desk for a week before someone picked it up. When they realized it was not a joke, it was promptly rejected.

The Tau, thoroughly beaten, retreated and swore to avenge the fallen race they were forced to leave behind. At least at first but then the Ethereal made a strange decision.

…

"You want us to return to T'au?" Cried Shas'o Ma'lea. The ethereal nodded.

He felt a sudden onset of rage, but restrained himself. "May I ask why we are forced to make this betrayal of trust?" He asked, instantly regretting his harsh tone. This was still the Ethereal after all. Their wisdom always guided the Tau to victory.

"Well ya see Greysk-err I mean commanda malluy-uh, I decieded dat da uvva boyz was too weeak fer da WAA-da Greata great-fing. So I figgured ta leev em there an' let em try ta get real fightin in wif da imperial boyz. An maybe afta a while we can come back again fer anuvva go."

Ma'lea was struck back by the Ethereal's bluntness, and his odd butchery of the Tau language. In fact many things about the Ethereal changed after the Galvana campaign. He was a lot more muscular, he had smatterings of green all over his once flawless skin, his clothes tearing in many places as it struggled to cover his form, and he seemed to eschew his staff for a very large looking blade. What was most disconcerting was the head wound the Ethereal sustained.

He had a large gash that tore its way all across his head, stretching even behind his pointed ears-wait pointed ears?

"Noble Ethereal, are you well?"

"Wot? I iz fine! Why da zog shud I feel anyfin less?"

"Well you seemed to have sustained some terrible injuries on Galvana. It was a miracle that you managed to survive when all the other ethereal were killed by that falling tank. Are you sure you should not have yourself examined?"

"I already dun went to da dok an' he gave me a kleen bill o helth!" the Ethereal sniffed. Or actually, snorted with his pig like nose. He inhaled a bit too deeply and sneezed, revealing his rows of pointed teeth. Now that was indeed odd Ma'lea thought. Perhaps the Ethereal was not as well as he claimed, if he was sneezing so badly.

"May I see this report Ethereal? I only care for your well being."

"Oh, yeah itz uh…ovah dere. " he pointed to a datapad that was placed on a desk overlooking the void of space. Ma'lea moved to the desk and picked up the pad and noticed it was locked. Now that was odd. Why lock a datapad with a simple medical report?

"Ethereal, it is locked."

"Oh yeah lemme give ya da password. U-R-A-D-U-M-G-I-T" he sounded out, and the Ethereal entered in the sequence without thinking of the deeper meaning. The datapad clicked as it unlocked and revealed its data. A single text program with four badly spelled words.

'Dis is a distrakshun'

…

"Perhaps there is some malady on Galvana. Perhaps that is what the Ethereal caught." One firewarrior said to his companion.

"Yes, and it must be contagious. Commander Ma'lea seems to have caught it as well. His temper has only worsened as the sickness took hold. I hope for his swift recovery."

"AN I 'OPE YOU WULD JUST SHADDUP! Zoggin Gork me ead urts…" shouted Ma'lea. The two firewarriors lowered their heads as the commander passed by, both noting how the commander's helmet barely covered the top half of the commander's swollen green head.

…

The administrator barged into the governor's office with a look of panic on his face. "Governor, governer I- what are you doing with that Eldar?"

The Governor looked at the woman who called herself Lady Arynth. She was currently bound with rope and he was poised to strike her bottom with a paddle. "Her? An Eldar? What gives you that idea?"

"That's what you care about? Not the fact I caught you doing-"

"Dramatic re-enactments. But anyway, why should this woman be an elder?"

"Oh I don't know, the pointed ears, the large pupils."  
"I am not elder monkeigh!"

"The fact she keeps calling us monkeigh."

"I do not monkeigh!"

"Yes you do."  
"No I don't."

"You do."

The administrator and Arynth bickered with each other for well over five minutes before the governor boomed "Enough! We will discuss these accusations later. What was so important that you interrupt my dramatic re-enactment and totally not anything else?"

The administrator sighed. "The Hive City Clorosus, it hase gone under siege. The defenders claim genestealers."

"Genestealers?"

"Xenos sir. Kind of like Arynth there."

"I am not!"

"IN ANY CASE! If there is a xenos invasion of Clorosus then send the 68th!"

"Governor, we want the city intact."

"And that changes my order how?" the governor retorted menacingly.

The administrator sighed and left to carry out his orders. The Governor looked back at Lady Arynth. "So, you're Eldar."

"Erm…no? Does this mean we have to stop?" she asked.

"No, it means no2 I'm going to use this." The governor replied as he pulled out a riding crop.

…

The administrator grimaced as the loud voices managed to reach even down the hall.

"HOW DARE YOU BRING SUCH FILTH TO THE IMPERIUM!"  
"SO ROUGH INQUISITOR! I NEED DISCIPLINE!"  
"FEEL THE EMPEROR'S JUSTICE!"

The administrator buried his head in his hands.


End file.
